When the Truth Comes Out…

It’s pretty much impossible to write music that reveals your private journey without wondering if you’re crazy for doing so every now and then. I’ve gone through moments where I’ve been so proud of our story and what God has brought us through, and turned right around and thought I better not let anyone know that I’m “dealing” with anything. Plagued with those infamous thoughts of “what will everyone think if I’m anything less than perfect”. When Chris and I decided to journal about some of the things we had been walking through, I would actually try to write music that was, well, completely opposite to how I was actually feeling. I wanted so badly to write about the perfect peace and joy and acceptance I should feel. I wanted to write “God, I trust you completely with my life and I know without a doubt that you will never let me down”. But ironically, each time I would attempt, nothing came out. Or if it did, it was so obviously fake that I would end up just throwing it out. What continued to come out in my heart was, “I don’t get it. I don’t understand how you could let this happen or why did it happen? I’m not sure if I trust you right now even though that thought breaks my heart.” These were the words and thoughts that I kept in for quite a while. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Not really sure how it had gotten to this place and how I could ever feel that way about my God. This beautiful relationship that I had known and loved and submitted to wholly was now viewed as a dangerous place. I was heartbroken. It’s quite conflicting to know something and doubt something so great at the same time. That’s the space where I found myself frozen. Unsure how to move forward. Knowing too much to go back. The truth my spirit knew fighting desperately with the doubts of my mind. It quickly became paralyzing. I have known the Lord in some of the truest places. He has revealed himself to me in ways that I feel like are so precious and real. How could I ever doubt that he is good? But I did. I had trusted. I had followed. I had not questioned. And I had been disappointed. I was embarrassed that I wasn’t standing up on some table reciting all of the scriptures that I knew, leaving notes to myself all over my house declaring truth. Shouldn’t I be proclaiming, “All is well!” even though I am completely confused and to be honest, a bit angry? How horrifying to realize you aren’t as perfect as you think you are. It’s a pretty sobering place when you are honest with how you really feel.

This was my struggle. How do I write songs in this moment? “God, you are so good. I will go anywhere you go. Nothing compares to my life in you” suddenly felt like a lie. The truth was, I was actually pretty scared to say those things at all. I wasn’t sure if I felt up to trusting him again. I didn’t really know if I could handle the possibilities. I felt pretty guilty about that. Especially since the very depths of my heart knew better and wanted these doubts to not be present so badly. But they were. I realized I had a choice to make. I had to either move my feet or allow the choking vines of complacency to wrap around them. The one thing I knew, even if it was the only thing I was sure of in that moment, was that he loved me. I may have had questions about what else around me was real, what was true, but I knew that he loved me in such a greater capacity than my mind and all of its doubts would ever be able to comprehend. I wasn’t sure if knowing that was going to be enough to move my feet, but I made a choice to cling to it. And if he loved me, then I could be honest with him. He would listen to my heart and even if the great dimension displayed in my doubts hurt him, he would still love me. I had to believe that because if I didn’t, I knew that there was no way to get out of that place. “You Love Me” was birthed in that moment.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, not any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” -Romans 8:38-39

There is not one part of you that he doesn’t already know. There is not one doubt, question, fear, concern, or frustration that he doesn’t already hear from your heart. You cannot surprise God. You may be angry. You may be sad. You may be confused. You may not even know what you are anymore. He can handle it. The plan of the enemy is to isolate you by making you feel ashamed for experiencing any of these things. Shame will cause a person to hide- ultimately from God. The truth, most powerfully, will indeed set you free. Maybe it’s time to have a heart to heart with God. It may not look pretty. It may be intimidating. It may be the hardest thing you’ve done in a very long time but I promise you this, his love is liberating. His love is powerful and beautiful and there’s something wonderful about the gushing force that somehow knocks down your entire wall when you just start to take out one tiny brick and speak from your heart. The strength is in you to make a move today. If one sentence is all you can make, make it. He’s waiting to speak with you.

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver. “Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.” – C.S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia


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